I'm feeling horrible enough that this is my second writing of this post. The first draft sounded too pathetic to post and perhaps a little bit whiny.
The last few days have been a continual cycle of ups and downs... FHE was enjoyable as the activity was a lot of fun and I feel like I met a few more people there. Monday night after that was wasted though as I just couldn't focus. Tuesday, I felt I did pretty well in class, but again I feel like I wasted a lot of time. I had a dinner of pasta that night and I thought I was full but I got hungry a lot quicker than normal and was forced to prepare another meal. Today again I felt like I had a good handle on class but I've felt pretty lonely to be honest. I feel like an outcast and perhaps I've done this to myself through my actions, but I don't know. Last night, my roommates all went to Braum's together and I didn't get an invite even though they knew I was around.
I don't know... For someone who always feels like he is the life of the party today and yesterday have been kind of rough.
I don't wish to play the role of the victim as I don't feel like one, but I feel like academically I am as capable as anyone else, but perhaps I lack the social maturity that is required to be a member of these groups. I lack the shared experiences that are required to bond with the individuals. This fact seems to manifest itself day by day.
No matter what, I will prevail. I've done what I've done because I don't give up on the things that matter the most to me. Hopefully this will be a very cathartic event for myself. I realize that no one owes me anything and if I want something I will have to do it myself.
Another thing of note is the dreams that I've been having. Since I moved out here, I've had the strangest dreams. Nearly every night is a dream about some past acquaintances or friend and they've haunted me. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me. Perhaps these are the individuals I feel the most grief about my actions towards them? That hypothesis doesn't make sense though as some of these dreams are about individuals I don't think I've hurt. Perhaps these dreams mean nothing and I need to just purge the recollection of them from my thoughts. Once again, the raw number of these dreams do not support that hypothesis. Perhaps I'm thinking about this just too much... Probably the last.
For those who might read this and worry about me, don't. This is a temporary downer moment for me which shall be overcome. If none of this post is understood by you, don't worry about it. In the end this post is for me.
